I don’t want to be in pain any more! 

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In the dictionary pain is defined as….

PAIN (Noun)

Highly unpleasant physical sensation caused by illness or injury.

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Pain is so much more personal than that. People feel pain in so many different ways and for so many different reasons.

If you follow my blog you will know why I am in pain but I haven’t really explained the pain on it own.

I have previously  written a post about my painful morning routine. If you haven’t read it you can find it here. Within that post it tells you what I do in the mornings and what tablets I take, I briefly talk about the pain but not in very much depth. So here goes starting from my mornings which is when I’m in most pain.

The pain that runs through my body every morning is so intense that sometimes I wish the surgeons would cut my leg off! I hate going to bed at night because I know the pain that is coming the next morning.

From the moment my eyes open I feel the pain, it hurts the most when I have to get up and walk. Over night my tendons seize up and I have to physically move my foot to loosen them up, doing this sends shooting pain through my leg. When I first had to do this it would make me instantly cry but I have got used to it now and no longer start my day off by crying. wp-image-450396541

During the day I go through different stages of pain. I get burning pain which feels like someone is holding a match on my leg. I get pricking pain which feels like someone has a safety-pin and is stabbing me over and over again. I get a cramp like feeling 3/4 times a day and pins and needles to go with it.  My leg muscles ache 90% of the time. and I get throbbing pain that comes and goes like waves.

Suffering with chronic pain not only affects me physically it affects me mentally. Dealing with pain on a permanent bases is a very lonely place to be, it separates me from the rest of my family, It beats me down and makes me mentally weak. At first it makes me feel upset and wallow in self-pity, then I’m angry and after that I feel motivated to get something done to heal, to stop the pain but when that fails the depression starts to creep in. I have been through this emotional cycle so many times in the last 3 years that I’ve learnt to just accept how I’m feeling and to just ride it out.

Being in chronic pain means I have to take numerous medications that I know are effecting my health and my body but without them I can’t function. They put my kidneys at risk because they have to work harder to clear all the toxins from my body. I have to take extra tablets to make sure I don’t suffer stomach ulcers from the medication.wp-image-1928569943

Being in pain stops me doing so many things as a mum and the things I can do make me so tired because I have to fight the pain at the same time. A simple walk to the park can cause me so much pain the next day because I’ve overworked my tendons. Just trying to keep on top of my housework takes me nearly all day and completely tires me out. Being in pain is exhausting because no matter what I’m doing its always there eating away at me.

When I go to bed at night, I would love to crawl under the duvet and drift peacefully off to sleep but that doesn’t happen either, I have to take painkillers just so I can lay flat without having any throbbing pain through my muscles as they are trying to relax. It takes me what feels like forever to fall asleep because I end the day feeling stressed out and worrying about what the next day will bring.

I don’t want to be in pain anymore, I’ve severed my time, I’m shattered and I just want a break. I don’t want to keep pumping my system with all these medications, I want to get back to my old self, I want to be happy again, I want the doctors to find some miracle dressings and miracle cure that can help me heal and make it all go away!

xx

Staying happy as a Stay-at-home-mum.

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Being a mum is hard work, there is always something or someone who is demanding your attention. Some people think SAHMs have it easy, they can do what ever they want, stay in their pj’s all day however it’s not surprising that SAHMs are a large categorise for many depression polls.

After the novelty of becoming a SAHM has worn off, it can all start getting very tiring and boring, most days you will have a needy, sometimes non-verbal bundle of energy running around wanting your attention and because you are at home the housework seems to pile up as well.

Below are some tips that have helped me as a SAHM.

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  • GET DRESSED EVERY DAY

Staying in your pajamas all day may be great at first but it can start to make you feel frumpy and lethargic. Getting dressed can give you that little boost of energy to help you through the morning.

  • CREATE A DAILY ROUTINE/SCHEDULE

Having a daily routines or schedules can really help your day stay on track, Both you and your child will start to remember what you do at certain times, for example at 10am you have a snack, at 11.30am your child goes down for a nap.

  • LIMIT HOUSEWORK

When you are at home all day you make mess, dishes build up, toys are everywhere but it would be a shame to waste away the day doing housework. It will still be there after you have been to the park of sat and played games with your toddler for a while.

  • GET OUT THE HOUSE

Some times getting a little fresh air can really boost your mood. You don’t have to go anywhere special just a little walk down to your local shop can be enough to shift any bad mood. This also has the same effect on your child if they are having a bad day.

  • LEARN HOW TO PLAY AGAIN

Becoming a parent gives you full permission to find your inner child and let it out. Most children love it when their mum sits on the floor and plays games with them. This is a great time to show and improve your happiness because for a while you can forget all about you adult worries and focus on your child.

  • FIND YOUR MUMMY STYLE

Everyone has a different parenting style. Some people like to be out and about all day, some people like to stay at home playing with toys and puzzles and some like to be creative with arts and crafts. Find out what mummy style makes you happy and it will help you get through the day a lot easier.

  • TAKE TIME OUT FOR YOURSELF

I personally think you can not spend all your time with you child/children without getting frazzled at some point. You can not run on an empty tank so taking time out away from your child to relax and refuel is a great way to stay happy.

  • MAKE TIME FOR YOUR PARTNER

Before having children you had all the time in the world with your partner but now it has all changed. Having children can take over your whole life and your partner can feel a bit pushed into the background. Spending some quality time with your partner can be a great way to keep a relationship strong. Some thing simple like one night a week you get a babysitter and go out for a meal or go to see a film.

  • ASK FOR HELP

This is a hard one for me, I don’t like to think I am burdening anyone by asking them to look after my children however we all need a break at some point and I’m sure that you have a family member or friend more than happy to help you. Maybe you need to do some shopping and taking the kids is just to hard or maybe you really need to catch up on an hour or two of sleep because you feel exhausted, all you have to is ask.

I really hope at least one of these tips will help you. If you have tried everything and you are still unhappy and feeling down please GO AND SEE YOUR DOCTOR. They are there to help you and can guide you on the road to feeling happy again.

xx

How This leg ulcer has effected me as a mum. 

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Being a mum is the best feeling in the world, it’s also the hardest thing to do in the world! Children are not born with a hand book and you just have to learn along the way.

Having the ulcer has robbed me of three years with my children! Nearly all the things I used to be able to do, I can’t do them any more. At the start it was the size of a 5p and it didn’t affect me to much.

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My youngest daughter was born 5 weeks early and we moved 4 week later, after that everything was about to change. I registered at a new doctors surgery and they jumped straight into a treatment plan for my leg.

 The treatments were full on and I started to limp because of the pain. As a result of the limp I now had tendonitis in that same foot. I was put on crutches and given more medication for it. I felt useless, I couldn’t unpack properly because it took me what felt like forever to move from room to room, I couldn’t stand for very long so couldn’t cook any meals. I felt like I was failing as a mum because I couldn’t do any of the simple tasks a normal mum could do.

As the months went by I started to give up and depression set in. I would get up in the mornings because I had to, not because I wanted to. I stayed in my pyjamas all day and I had given up doing any housework as it would take me a whole day to finish one room, then the children would come home and make a mess again. I didn’t see the point in doing anything.

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It was around that time when the pain was at its worst, I kept getting infections , I wasn’t sleeping and it felt like my leg was on fire 24 hours a day. My children really suffered during this stage. I wasn’t really engaging with them, I wouldn’t really play with them, I was there but not fully with them. I would lose my temper very quickly and after I would be riddled with guilt because I knew they actually didn’t do anything wrong. Quite a few times I would read school letters, pin it on the board and then forget all about it. If I didn’t have help from my husband and my mum I think even the childrens school work would have suffered.

As the pain and depression took over, I found myself looking on the internet about people who had lost one of their legs and how they coped, I wanted to go to the hospital and get them to cut my leg off. My leg being bad put a lot of pressure on all my family and if i couldn’t be the mum my children needed then sometime I would think they would all be better off without me. I felt like I had completely failed as mum, my children deserved better than I could give them.

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One night I sat was downstairs alone, crying because the pain had got so bad, I could have cut my own leg off at this point, when from nowhere a massive sence of warmth came across me and a thought came into my head, something my mum had said to me before…

I brought these children into the world and if I don’t look after myself, who will look after them!

From that night onwards, this is what I tell myself every time I’m feeling down. I went back to the doctors and got some stronger painkillers, I researched more about tendonitis and found some physiotherapy exercises to help get the movement back in my foot and I started to have fun and enjoy being around my children again. Within six months I was back on my feet and starting to feel a little back to normal.

There are still many things I can not do with my children, I can only do the school run once a week as that’s as much as my leg will take, if I take my children out for the day, the next day or so I’m in a lot of pain and have to rest more but now im looking for the things I can do, not the things I can’t do.

xx