I don’t want to be in pain any more! 

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In the dictionary pain is defined as….

PAIN (Noun)

Highly unpleasant physical sensation caused by illness or injury.

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Pain is so much more personal than that. People feel pain in so many different ways and for so many different reasons.

If you follow my blog you will know why I am in pain but I haven’t really explained the pain on it own.

I have previously  written a post about my painful morning routine. If you haven’t read it you can find it here. Within that post it tells you what I do in the mornings and what tablets I take, I briefly talk about the pain but not in very much depth. So here goes starting from my mornings which is when I’m in most pain.

The pain that runs through my body every morning is so intense that sometimes I wish the surgeons would cut my leg off! I hate going to bed at night because I know the pain that is coming the next morning.

From the moment my eyes open I feel the pain, it hurts the most when I have to get up and walk. Over night my tendons seize up and I have to physically move my foot to loosen them up, doing this sends shooting pain through my leg. When I first had to do this it would make me instantly cry but I have got used to it now and no longer start my day off by crying. wp-image-450396541

During the day I go through different stages of pain. I get burning pain which feels like someone is holding a match on my leg. I get pricking pain which feels like someone has a safety-pin and is stabbing me over and over again. I get a cramp like feeling 3/4 times a day and pins and needles to go with it.  My leg muscles ache 90% of the time. and I get throbbing pain that comes and goes like waves.

Suffering with chronic pain not only affects me physically it affects me mentally. Dealing with pain on a permanent bases is a very lonely place to be, it separates me from the rest of my family, It beats me down and makes me mentally weak. At first it makes me feel upset and wallow in self-pity, then I’m angry and after that I feel motivated to get something done to heal, to stop the pain but when that fails the depression starts to creep in. I have been through this emotional cycle so many times in the last 3 years that I’ve learnt to just accept how I’m feeling and to just ride it out.

Being in chronic pain means I have to take numerous medications that I know are effecting my health and my body but without them I can’t function. They put my kidneys at risk because they have to work harder to clear all the toxins from my body. I have to take extra tablets to make sure I don’t suffer stomach ulcers from the medication.wp-image-1928569943

Being in pain stops me doing so many things as a mum and the things I can do make me so tired because I have to fight the pain at the same time. A simple walk to the park can cause me so much pain the next day because I’ve overworked my tendons. Just trying to keep on top of my housework takes me nearly all day and completely tires me out. Being in pain is exhausting because no matter what I’m doing its always there eating away at me.

When I go to bed at night, I would love to crawl under the duvet and drift peacefully off to sleep but that doesn’t happen either, I have to take painkillers just so I can lay flat without having any throbbing pain through my muscles as they are trying to relax. It takes me what feels like forever to fall asleep because I end the day feeling stressed out and worrying about what the next day will bring.

I don’t want to be in pain anymore, I’ve severed my time, I’m shattered and I just want a break. I don’t want to keep pumping my system with all these medications, I want to get back to my old self, I want to be happy again, I want the doctors to find some miracle dressings and miracle cure that can help me heal and make it all go away!

xx

Leg ulcer update – Images included

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I’m feeling the pain of being an injured parent. 

Last Friday I went to my daughters school summer fayre with my mum. It was great. They had face painting, tattoos, bouncy castle, treasure hunt, tombola, cake sale and lots of transitional fayre games. Half way round I was starting to feel the strain on my leg and was so grateful that my mum was there to help me with the children and all the things they wanted to do.

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I knew I would be in pain by going but I really didn’t want my children to miss out.

The next day I was in an unbelievable amount of pain. I had done so much walking the ulcer had started weeping and now had got stuck to the dressings and as walked it was pulling at the surrounding skin. My tendons were completely shot, every step I was taking I had shooting pain going straight up my leg. All the muscles in my good leg were aching because I was limping so much and using that leg for support.

Normally my leg does not cause me this much pain, I have been to the childrens school event before and not had this much pain. I changed the dressing that night and instantly I knew something was not right . It was really weepy and hurt more than normal. As it was Friday I had to wait two days to get a doctor’s appointment. It felt like the longest weekend ever.

Monday came around, I went to the doctors and it was confirmed I did indeed have an infection.wp-image-95502347

When I get an infection it affects my whole body, the pain reaches level where the morphine doesn’t touch it, it makes me feel like I have been hit with the flu and ache all over.

I was given a 14 day course of antibiotics and I was really hoping they start working quickly. I hate feeling like I cant be a proper mum and because the hubby had to step up and take on all the parenting, our house ends up being a complete mess.

It’s now Wednesday and the antibiotics are starting to kick in, I don’t feel as achy and miserable today, im hoping they carry on doing their job because I really want to start getting back to normal.

At the moment it seems to be one step forward and two steps back. This is the picture I took this morning, It has stopped leaking so much and it’s not all over yellow now. The dressings you can see are two iodine patches( The orange squares) and a DryMax padding. These seem to be helping and they are not sticking to my leg either. wp-image-850800991

I’m hopeful that I will regain them two steps and maybe move forward another one but who knows what will happen, I can never predict how it will look or how I will be feeling when I wake up. some days are good and some are bad, I just take everyday as it come now.

Pup update and how I’m honestly feeling about the new arrival.

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New official name is TYSON

Our new puppy previously named ‘Little dude’ by my children, now officially has a name…. (drum roll please).. His name is TYSON. It took my husband nearly three days to pick his name and over them three days the poor pup was called numerous names to try to figure out if they suited him or not. finally earlier this evening Tyson was chosen as his forever name.

If you have read my earlier post when I first introduced the pup, you would have read the reasoning behind getting the puppy, (If you haven’t read it I’ll link it here) It was not my choice to get Tyson but when the litter of pups came up at a good price, mum and dad have pedigree papers (This means they are full rottweiler) my husband just couldn’t help himself. The same day he saw the advert, he went and picked up Tyson.

We were told he was 8 weeks old but he is very small and doesn’t look like an 8 week old rottweiler. Alarm bells started to ring in both of our heads, hubby tried to get hold of the breeder again and asked what his date of birth was. The breeder also told us that they had toilet trained him on puppy pads and he was eating pedigree puppy pouches. I can tell you he is well and truly not toilet trained! we brought the puppy pouches and feed him on that for the first day, however the next day the poor little thing had the biggest upset stomach, even more alarm bells were going off now, luckily he was booked in for a vet check that day any way. Hubby still had no reply from the breeder.

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Off to the vets we went, The vet agreed with us, he is too small to be 8 weeks old and has been taken away from his mum too early, the vet has also said he should still probably be drinking partly from his mum and gradually being weaned off. The pedigree puppy pouches are too rich for his little belly and he will have an upset belly for a few days. We have taken him off of all the puppy food and as advised by the vet we are feeding him on chicken and pasta to help settle his belly.

My husband still had no reply from the breeder so he tried reaching her through Facebook and the advert that was on Gumtree. She has blocked my husband on Facebook and has deleted all the adverts on Gumtree so now we can’t get hold of her.

Now, how are I HONESTLY feeling about our new situation, I am very overwhelmed , pissed off and emotional all at the same time.

My heart melts every time I look at Tyson, I miss my other rottweiler so much, she was such a big part of my life, I will always remember a particular day, I was walking her on the green as normal, she was off lead, running around and a random man started walking towards me, from the other side of the green she started bounding towards me and before the man got to me she had sat in front of me and wouldn’t move, as the man got closer she stood up and started to go into protective mode, she had never done this before and I had no idea why she was doing it or what the man wanted, as he got closer, he said  ‘ Sorry love, I only wanted to know what the time was?’ so I told him and he walked away, once he had left the green she ran off and started playing again. The next day I found out I was pregnant with my middle daughter and that’s why she had gone into protective mode. Having Tyson here brings out all those feeling that I had pushed to the back of my brain so I could move on from losing Darcy.

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My gorgeous Darcy, she found one of kiras dummies and kept it for ages.

Having a puppy is not as easy as you would think, yes it’s great having a little bundle of joy to play with but when that bundle of joy is not toilet trained it then becomes hard work. Throw in a toddler to the mix and now you have double trouble. Trying to keep an eye on the puppy and a toddler is very tiring because they are both running around and being hectic. Ella absolutely adores Tyson, which brings me to another problem, she will not leave him alone and can sometimes be a bit heavy-handed with him and I have to be on high alert all the time also the toddler is fascinated with the puppy going to the toilet ( Don’t ask me why, I have no clue) we have three other dogs and she is very good and understands she is to go nowhere near their toilets, she is very vocal if I have missed any or Tyson has had an accident that we haven’t noticed.

Now on top of all of that add in my bad leg! Anyone that has ever had a puppy will tell you that when you first wake up, you are 99% of the time greeted with little gifts they have left over night, it’s not their fault they can’t get outside. In one of my previous blog post, My daily routine as a SAHM, I tell you that I am always the first person to wake up in my house. Mornings are always the hardest time of day for me, hence getting up before everyone, so I am feeling very stressed from the moment I wake up because I’m in pain as the painkillers have worn off and I know I now have to go down stairs and clean up after the pup before I can even have a coffee and take my painkillers. This add another half an hour to my morning routine, so instead of getting up at 6am to let the painkillers kick in before the kids get up I now need to get up at 5.30am.

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I will be the first to admit I get stressed and overwhelmed very easily and it feels like the last couple of day I’ve been hanging on by my nails. I’m hoping in the next few days things will settle down but right now I probably owe everyone I’ve spoken to recently an apology for being crappy towards them.

xx